u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
