So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
