Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
