i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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