That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
