So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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