So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I looked at my own cervix.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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