just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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