Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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