From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
