She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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