If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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