She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
