then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The cops high fived after they tackled you
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
