are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
