When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
