drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
