I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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