Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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