oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize