u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Randomize
