those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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