Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
