proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dick very happy bro
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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