I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
