I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
