chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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