I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
