I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
