I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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