Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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