Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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