Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize