She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
