Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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