so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
