You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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