curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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