I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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