You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Be still, my beating vagina.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
