we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
