all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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