I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
