Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
