currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
