Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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