i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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