I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
