My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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