Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
