I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
