I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
