dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
