a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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