You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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