saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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