i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize