she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
